Anyone else terrified of having a pre-teen in the house? Pre-teenagers are defined as being children between the age of nine to 12 who start to seek more and more independence.
A child who is approaching adolescence changes in all areas. They change emotionally, socially, cognitively and physically. It can be so hard to accept that your little girl or boy who used to be so happy to sit on your lap and cuddle up with a book now wants more to do with friends and the outside world. Even though they think they need you less and less, it’s actually a time when us as parents have to begin paving the relationship we want to have during adolescence. Somehow we have to find a way to respect and give them the space they need but still be there to guide them. What does that mean and how do we do it? While searching for guidance I found some tips that might help us navigate the pre-teen world.
1. Allow them some independence and don’t take it personally. Often around this age kids start to turn to friends with secrets and personal information, keeping information from parents more and more. Instead of seeing this as oppositional behaviour try and respect the space your child is looking for.
2. Set aside one on one time. As mentioned previously, it may be harder to know what is going on in your child’s life during this stage. Having time alone set aside periodically might be the way to ensure communication stays open. This should be a time that is undivided (no computer screens or phones) but time together. You could have dinner together or go for a walk or bike ride together, there are tons of possibilities. With time this may be the chosen moment that your child chooses to open up to you.
3. Instead of bombarding them with questions just listen. When children are younger and just starting school we come prepared with a host of direct questions kids can answer, we want to know everything.
As they reach pre-adolescence they may not want to answer any of the questions you have. If you show up to just listen they may spill the information you’re dying to hear. At this stage it may be more difficult for you to be the solver of problems and you may just have to be able to provide empathy and a shoulder.
4. Try not to be overly judgmental. During this stage you may be surprised with a lot of what your child may be thinking. Being overly judgmental to situations around you may cause them to hold back on personal thoughts they might be having out of fear of what you will think. Take caution when commenting on situations that are happening around you just in case.
5. Don’t overreact. When little things happen to your pre-adolescent kids (like not being invited to a play date or sleepover) instead of making a huge deal out of it (even if you’re definitely feeling sad for your child) choose the other side. Explain reasons as to why they may not have been invited and sympathize with how they are feeling. Help them move past it without blowing it out of proportion.
6. Adversely don’t be clueless — “Oh kids drinking at 13, oh well no big deal.” That reaction may cause your child to think that you won’t care about things they are uncertain about. It also may give them the wrong impression that big deal things matter little.
7. Help them find an outlet — hobbies are great. They allow our children to make friends with people that have a common interest and provide them with a distraction outside of school. Hobbies will also help keep them busy and focused on something that they enjoy.
I feel that these tips can quickly be paired down to open communication. If you can be there when they don’t think they need you, empathize with them and listen to them when they want to talk then you may just get out of this stage of your child’s life with all of your hair. To be honest though, I really miss worrying about what kind of baby food to make for my little ones. However, I’m sure I will find a few things I love about this phase too.
