By Shelley Heaphy for The Parents’ Voice

Let me start by saying that birth order is a real thing. Growing up number three of four girls I swore up and down that I (and #2) was a middle child and every time I didn’t get what I wanted I blamed it on me being the middle child (my poor, poor parents). Because I went to college and university to study education, I was able to . . .

do a lot of research on this particular subject, much to my parents’ chagrin. They hated the mention of middle child syndrome (honestly though, they were and still are amazing at keeping things even-steven for all of us) but each paper I would write on the topic, they’d learn more and more info about it. Growing up I swore up and down that I would never have a middle child — and now, who has three children? Me. Needless to say that research is going to come in handy!

First off let me say, each child has a special place in the family and just being aware of the fact that they are all special in their way makes you a better parent. This information is in no way meant to throw more guilt on that giant guilt pile, instead hopefully it will help you accept the middle child syndrome is real and help you cope with it.

There is a lot of research out there on typical characteristics for your child’s birth order (but I definitely don’t have enough space in this article to go into that detail). Look it up though, it’s so interesting. Having three kids myself, it is easy to see that the oldest always has that going for them – they came when you had the most time, the baby, is well, the baby. Every first they experience is the last first in your home and the middle child is sandwiched right in between. They sometimes end up floating between the excitement of the first and last children.

I struggle to make sure that I fairly devote time to all three, that each has something interesting to do, that everyone is celebrated equally. But man oh man is it hard. So sorry mom and dad for the years of guilt I put you through. I now know exactly how I made you feel.

If you’re thinking “I doomed my poor little middle child” you need not worry. I’m going to share with you a wonderful technique I learned at a local workshop entitled, “Discipline: Child’s Play.” Brigitte Racine, the guest speaker shared some great information on how to discipline your children positively, without having to repeat yourself, mediate for your children and so on. Everything stemmed off of a specific technique. The technique helps you focus on devoting equal chunks of alone time with each child throughout the week. The magic number she gave was 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with one parent, three times a week. This means that if you have three children, you do 20 minutes of uninterrupted time three times a week per child (nine blocks of 20 minutes in the week).

There’s a lot to say about this technique but the gist of it is that you block off these periods of time for you and each child. The uninterrupted part means that there can be no other children or parents involved, no TV, or screens of any sort for you or the child and the child is the boss of your time, they get to direct the time. This technique is supposed to give each child the love and attention that they so crave. This feeling of love goes a long way for them. They feel important and valued in their family.

In busy homes it is so hard to make sure everyone is feeling heard, so hard to make sure they all get some you time. If you adopt this practice in your home you are guaranteed to have that time together and your child also has the feeling that their turn will come. They can even know exactly when that time will come. If you aren’t able to do that, find another way to ensure that you spend quality time with each child. Find a bond that you can share with them. It can be art, physical education, cooking, dancing, anything that connects you.

Here are some tips to help you make your middle child feel equal in their sibling relationships:

1. Offer reassurance. If your child makes a mistake and gets punished make sure to explain the punishment is do to their actions and not their sibling.
2. Don’t leave them out. Make time for their interests and accomplishments.
3. Make their accomplishments a big deal. Chances are some of what your middle child is doing has been done by the oldest child, make the same big deal you did the first time around.
4. Encourage differences. It may make scheduling more difficult, but encourage their differences it takes away from competitiveness and allows them to make their own path in the family and life.
5. Maintain communication. The time carved out to be alone really help enable this. Regardless of how busy you are remind your child that you are always there to talk and listen.
6. No more hand me downs: well maybe less. Let them have their choice of something new once in a while as well.
7. Capture the memories: try to have the same amount of photo albums and scarp books for each child.
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   It’s definitely an ongoing battle over here to make sure everyone’s being heard, but we do our best and we won’t stop trying.

   Good luck, and remember you’ve got this.