I have been living with and often struggling with my strong-willed daughter for seven years now. We bump heads – often. Some days I want to pull my hair out from all the negotiating and explaining that I am forced to do with her. There is never ever . . .

an “Okay mom” as a response from a request that I have – ever.

It’s funny, right now in this moment, life with her is hard but I just know that in the future I will worry less about her. I am 100 per cent confident that she will not be told what to do and that she will follow her heart. The trick is surviving the next 10 years.

The following tips are a combination of things I’ve read and learned by dealing with children in classrooms and my home. Hopefully they help any of you trying to maintain some kind of peace in your home.

1. Blame it on the rules and routines — So sorry, it’s fruit before sweets in our house, that way your body will have all the vitamins and minerals it needs to make you stronger. This is part of the reason we talk so much in our house and give so many reasons, she tends to argue less when she understands the logical reason behind the rules I have, this seems to work for us often.
2. Give choices when possible — Do not give a choice if there isn’t one. I promise that if you give a choice your child is going to choose the one you don’t want them to choose, so don’t give them a choice they can’t have. Don’t ask, “Do you want to go home?” If you must leave, instead ask, “Do you want to leave now or in five minutes?” If they choose five minutes help them understand what five minutes is. A timer, a song, or two last slides on the slide can help your child be prepared for when it’s time to go. You still control the end result having decided what the choices are and this is important with strong willed children. You have to be in the driver’s seat with these children as they will remember and continue to push when you give them a lot of leeway.
3. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve warned my girl not to do something that might harm her and she’s gone ahead and done it. I can tell you that if I’ve warned her first and allowed her to try it, and even if it’s hurt her some she does not cry about it, instead she prefers having discovered for herself that she shouldn’t have done it. Of course I don’t mean things like running in the road, or playing with the stove, instead things like, “climbing down the bunk bed ladder that way might hurt you, I’d turn around and come down the other way, but you go ahead and try it.” Next time, I’m sure to see her coming down the right way. They learn through experience. When we take away the chance to learn on their own they are more apt to break the rules and try their way anyways.
4. Give her authority over her own body/clothing. We used to have fights over rain gear, snow gear and sun gear. To end the battles we discussed appropriate wear for all those seasons and she knows the appropriate gear.

   She asks what the weather is like, I respond with what appropriate wear is and she makes her own decision. She decides if she will wear her rain gear (she hates to be wet so she usually chooses the rain gear on her own). She likes to play in snow so she usually chooses the warms mitts over the wool ones because she’s lived through the cold fingers. She knows she has to wear a hat and sunscreen in the sun, she can choose which of her hats to wear and rubbing sunscreen or spray sunscreen.

   We’ve learned along the way to explain and walk away. She often needs her time to be angry when she has to do something she doesn’t want to do, but over the years this too has gotten better. In terms of everyday wear, she hasn’t allowed me to choose her clothing since she was two. It doesn’t matter what I stock her closet with, she will not wear something she doesn’t like or isn’t comfortable with. Our rules are simple, so providing she stays within them she wears what she wants. We’re both happier without that battle.

   There have definitely been fights and arguments over pretty much everything in our household – that’s what strong- willed children are all about. They want to make the decisions and want to voice their opinion and thoughts. We listen a lot, but she has also learned to listen some too – we’re all surviving.