I’m so sick of the fake, low-volumed, avoided eye contact “I’m sorry’s” between the kiddos. There have been a lot of those around here lately, and with a full summer together at home, I feel like it’s time to nip it in the bud! What are some tips to teaching children the proper apology and how can we make them feel empathetic towards others? When I get frustrated with rudeness, or one of my children not showing empathy towards others, I try to remind myself that even as adults, we are always learning and fine tuning things like being empathetic with others. I’m a much different person than I was as a teenager; which goes to show that hopefully, your character is always growing. Equally, kids are even more so trying to find the proper way to show kindness towards others. I like to refer to this learning process as baby steps towards the larger goal of being a productive member of society! Here’s some of what I found.
Modeling kindness: this is one thing we have to do. Be kind to others, smile, wave, perform kind gestures…everything we do they watch (and hopefully pick up!) So model the way we want them to behave! We’ve all experienced the encounter that wasn’t so warm, where someone’s been rude for whatever reason. Use these moments as teachable moments – together brainstorm why that person may be having a bad day, how they could’ve handled the situation differently, and forgive them for the encounter.

Modeling the proper way to handle arguments: we’re not perfect nor should we pretend to be. When we have arguments here, there are raised voices and tempers are lost but afterwards I try really hard to come back level headed and explain why I’ve lost my temper and discuss how I could change my reaction and how they could change their actions. Modeling how we react after the argument is super important because it gives them the words and examples of how they can fix their problems (independently one can hope!) in the future.
Teaching them how to apologize properly: look the person in the eye, identify what it is you’re sorry for and say how you will do it differently next time. Giving them steps to follow and remember may help them fine-tune that apology so that it carries warmth to the victim. Everyone feels a lot better after a proper apology (at least eventually they do).
Praise: when you do hear them appreciating each other’s point of view, feelings or words, praise them for having done it! It’s also very rewarding when you hear them solve an argument without you, you hear them apologize or ask for forgiveness – it’s one of those AHA moments where you think “hooray something I said sunk in”. Ask them how it made them feel to listen to their sibling, to make someone else happy?! Help them internalize how it makes them feel rather than how you feel. It’s important for them to feel the positive feelings by doing something kind, it will make them want to repeat the action!
When I attended a workshop last year about positive discipline, I walked away with a lot of great strategies and tips for dealing with siblings and difficult behaviours. Her suggestion to deal with sibling arguments was very simple and straight forward, if one person hurts/upsets/bothers/antagonizes the other, the victim gets to choose something for the assailant to do that will make them feel better. I think it’s important that the victim gets the power back in their hands to decide what they need. I try to steer it towards something that has to do with how they’ve been wronged. For instance, if the one sibling calls the other one a hateful name, the victim might say they want a song sung to them. If their toy gets broken then the victim may ask for one of the other child’s toys in return. Instead of a hollow apology the child has to work at making it up to the person they’ve hurt. When I was adopting this practice it really seemed efficient, we’ve gotten off track but need to get on it! Hopefully this will help me see less silly squabbles.
Sometimes, I hear myself proclaiming the same thing over and over “how do you think your brother feels when you say that, “or” how does your sister feel when you do this”, that I wonder if anything I ever say goes into their minds at all. Occasionally though, I hear them in the next room righting a wrong and I know the work I’m putting into it does matter, these lessons I’m teaching are life long lessons. The time I’m taking is important and I’ve got to keep at it, it will stick and will be good for them in all walks of life.