By Shelley Heaphy
For as long as I can remember, my parents’ motto in our home was, “Someday your sisters will be your best friends.” Not that we believed it. Our family sure saw it’s fair share of fights, I think four girls will do that to any household. My parents definitely did something right though, because now that we are all adults, we definitely are each other’s best friends. I try to instill the values my parents taught me with my own children and my children definitely hear the same phrase that was on repeat in my home.
When you first bring home a second baby (or third, or fourth, or fifth) you are concerned with how that first baby is going to react. Will they feel abandoned, less loved, jealous, or angry? Parents fear and prepare for the worse. Believe it or not, this is when sibling bonding begins, right from day one.
Try to include older siblings in baby’s routines, allowing them to help with diapering, bathing, dressing and any other way possible. Making sure each child feels they have a role in your family is paramount in developing a healthy sibling relationship and hopefully will avoid any resentment.
As siblings grow, there’s no doubt you will be dealing with many fights from which chair they’ll have for supper to sharing clothes. When mediating these fights try to have them figure out the right thing to do. Phrases we try to use include “Who had this cup first?” “How will big sister feel if you take her shirt from her?” “How would you feel if little sister took your bracelet?” I think the most important value to teach our children is respect, for themseves, and everyone around them.
When a child has a chance to fix a problem on their own and see how their decisions make others happy it shows them how to respect each other and hopefully enables them to solve problems without you.
As our children are getting older the fights and arguments seem to be increasing. My husband asked simply, “How can they love each other so hard one minute and be at each other’s throats the next?” It definitely can be perplexing, as it changes in the blink of an eye.
Deep down they do absolutely love each other and have each other’s backs even in the middle of a fight but as they get older our tactics are definitely changing. For instance, our go to punishment when they’ve hurt each other’s feelings or hurt each other physically is that the one doing the hurting has to help the other person feel better.
So they’ll say, I’m sorry I said that to you, how can I make you feel better? This means they are at the mercy of the other person (with some exceptions of course) and have to comply with their wishes; ie. You have to help me make my bed, you have to help me put my clothes away, I would like to colour a picture together, you have to come play outside with me. They seem to feel justified when we use this method. However, it’s simply just not easy to know how to handle the million arguments/fights/wrongs.
Since I’m no expert I went searching for help and advice. Krissy from her blog, B-Inspired Mama has shared some great tips on how to help siblings bond. Check out her website for a full list. I’ve pulled out a few examples to share with you, http://b-inspiredmama.com/17-tips-to-encourage-sibling-bonding/.
- Teach empathy and understanding — Siblings get a chance to practice being empathetic each time a sibling is hurt or sad. They can see first hand how their actions affect someone they love. We can take this time to point out how our actions affect others and figure out how to help make it right.
- Honour their individuality — I think this is a big one for my family. Because I have two daughters I want to be careful about sibling rivalry, and this tip helps remind me that each child has different interests, skills, likes and dislikes. I find it easy to say “the girls can….” but to help them have a healthy relationship it’s detrimental to remember that they may not like the same things. Advertisement
I also have read that a way to help siblings bond is by having them in different extra curricular activities. This makes sense as it allows each child to have their area of expertise, leaving less room for competition and more room for each child to excel and lead at different activities.
- Go on a date — Sometimes the best medicine is an hour alone with one child at a time. Picking something that can be special between you and your child will help them feel loved, included and heard. It can be something simple like a hike, going for a hot chocolate together, baking their favourite dessert, whatever makes them happy. Just make sure it’s time for just the two of you. Try and make it a routine so that each child knows when they really want you to themselves, their time is coming.
Of course each family has their own challenges to deal with, this article is just meant as a reminder that we can help our children bond.
Children are born unique, with their own temperament and personality, sometimes these different personalities coexisting in one house can be a challenge; to parents —try and keep your sanity and celebrate the little wins.
