SHELLEY HEAPHY for The Parents’ Voice

In honour of February being the month of love and friendship, this article is designed to help parent’s help their children develop and maintain friendships.

This past year we may have learned a thing or two about our children and their need to be or not be surrounded with friends. Having mostly been forced to stay away from friends (outside of school) some children may have had a difficult time being away from their friends while others may have thrived being away from the social constraints provided with a lot of the extra curriculars we might normally participate in. I have definitely seen . . .

some of both from my own kids. This new information that you may have learned (or maybe you already knew) can help you to understand your child going forward.

For a lot of kids having friends makes school and childhood so much fun. Of course there are introverted people who prefer one or two close friends and those extraverts who enjoy the more the merrier approach. Either way it’s nice to have someone to lean on, talk to, enjoy new experiences with, commiserate with, play with, and to laugh and cry with. Parents are in large part responsible for teaching our children the basics of making friends, for some it comes very easily while for others it takes some practice, but for all it is definitely doable. I searched for some good tips for us parents to consider when our children may need guidance in this area (which is bound to happen):

1. Talk about feelings ­­— If parents encourage their children to talk out their problems and about how they are feeling, these strategies can then be used to solve problems with friends. It could also help them to be empathetic and understanding towards others.
2. Authoritative parenting style — Authoritative parents set boundaries and have a good level of control while using a warm, safe approach with their children that focuses on discussion and explanation behind rules. It fosters a safe environment where children and adults are both respected. This type of parenting can prepare children for discussing social issues that friends often have to sort out. It helps children to focus more on finding a solution to a problem as a team rather than placing blame on one person which can be very useful in solving quarrels in the schoolyard.
3. Teaching children how to speak to others politely — It’s important to teach children how to actively listen to others: look them in the eye, wait until they are finished talking before you talk, position your body in the direction of the speaker, don’t be a conversation hog, give them an opportunity to speak also and trade information back and forth. This level of communication starts at home, trading stories at the dinner table about your day, telling the family a story, listening to a sibling’s problem, discussing problems in the car. Of course modeling polite discussions is a great way for children to pick up this important skill and then use them in their conversations with others.
4. Fostering empathy for others — This is an article in and of itself. Teaching our children to truly care about others is what will help us raise children who are kind to others and active parts of their community. Teaching them to recognize people’s feelings, help others, truly care about how their actions impact those around them will help them to be better people, a goal for all of us.
5. Help children read facial expressions — Although this may seem basic, children can benefit from practicing this important skill, it will help them gage how a conversation or interaction is going without having to be told.
6. Discuss how to handle tricky social situations with your child — For example we’ve run into children telling our daughter that she can’t play with them. Together we go through the situation and help her be prepared for the next time it occurs. In our discussion she would ask the children to be part of their play. If they say no she doesn’t force the issue but finds someone else to play with. The next time she approaches the group she could ask what they are playing and see if she can add to the game, if they’re playing restaurant she might offer to be a customer.
7. Monitor kids social lives — This doesn’t mean to hover over every social interaction your children may have, it just means to be active in their socializing. Ask questions after they’ve played with a group of friends. Did you have friends? What did you do? How do you feel when you play with these friends? It’s important to discuss and acknowledge how certain people make you feel after being with them. We often discuss characteristics to look for in a friend, someone that makes you feel happy, someone that respects you and gives you a turn to choose the play and to talk, someone that is kind. Being involved may make it easier for children to talk to you when things aren’t going well which hopefully allows you to guide them and or intervene when needed.
8. Let them figure it out on their own — A friend once said “Having children is like you’re walking around with your heart on your sleeve, vulnerable to anything and everything it comes in contact with.” There are no truer words, it kills us to watch them fail or flail in social situations but we are harming them by not allowing them to find their footing. Of course there are many situations where we are required to step in or guide in some way but we do also have to let them try.
9. Watch out for bullying — Letting them work it out does not account for bullying. Bullying is not something your child should ever have to tolerate. If your child is experiencing bullying it is up to adults to help get to the bottom of it.

   So many things to consider when our kids start trying to navigate the social world on their own. Rest easy parents, we are doing our best. When in doubt do a search online for tips and tricks, there’s bound to be something that can help us out.