by Shelley Heaphy
We all have fears. Fears can be very small and very large. I have a fear of fire. I worry about fires around us, I worry about a fire in my home and I worry about forest fires. I am afraid of fire.
I can remember learning in school that kids can easily pick up on your fears and that you should work very hard as their teachers to not pass on your own dislikes and phobias. As such, we talk a lot about how amazing firefighters are and we have escape routes and plans in place for my piece of mind. Instead of passing on my fear of fire to my children I hope I’m channeling that fear into preparedness.
Kids also have fears. The other day, after reading “Franklin’s afraid of the dark” with my youngest I asked him what he was afraid of. I fully expected no response but instead he shocked me by saying, “Mommy, daddy, Grace, Nora leave Lucas.”
His ability to communicate this real fear to me made my heart soar and also constrict. I reassured him we would never leave him and hugged him until he fell asleep.
We can often visually see when toddlers are afraid of things, like jumping at loud noises or needing to be comforted by their caregiver when an animal comes around, but we don’t always pick up on these fears. It becomes slightly easier once children are talking to identify their fears as they are able to vocalize what scares or worries them. We in return can help reassure them about these fears, as best we can.
The question for parents becomes, how do we help them navigate these sometimes very real fears when words just aren’t enough?
Developmentally, babies and toddlers are often afraid of being separated from their caregiver, known as separation anxiety — which is pretty obvious when they cry or want to be in your arms if strangers appear or if you’re trying to leave.
Younger children often fear non-existent things such as monsters and goblins, whereas older school age children are often worrying about real life things that could affect them such as an injury or the weather.
1. Fears change as children grow, often being replaced by something different. Typical fears for children are things like heights, strangers, falling off something high, being left alone, animals, bugs, blood, etc.
2. Parents can certainly help children in a variety of ways. The whole key to resolving fears is to overcome them. Hopefully some of these suggestions can help do just that for your children:
3. Realize that their fear is real, no matter how trivial it is, it’s real to them. Talking about it may make the fear less powerful.
4. Don’t belittle the fear to get rid of it, saying “don’t be ridiculous there’s no monsters in the closet” doesn’t make the fear go away. Get up and look in the closet together, keep the door open so there’s no second guessing what’s in there.
5. Try not to cater to the fear. If you’re child is afraid of blood, don’t shield them from it when there is blood in view as this will reinforce the fear. Support them as they deal with the sight of it.
6. Help them rate the fear. On a scale of one to 10 how much they can see the fear, “It feels like a five I’m scared but I can stay in the room.” For little kids they can talk about how full of the fear they feel. Are they afraid to their knees (just a bit) or up to their head (petrified)! Overtime they may start to see their fear less intensely than before.
7. Coping — Teach them coping strategies: breathing techniques (imagining that the lungs are balloons and letting them slowly deflate), positive self-talks like “I can do this, I’ve got this, I will be okay” and visualization (like floating on a cloud, or being on a beach.)
Most of the time your childs’ fear and reaction to it are going to be typical for their age. Often reassurance and maybe a closet light left on for a fear of the dark, will be enough to comfort your child. In the case that their behavior is not typical for the fear more extensive help may be needed. You can look deeper into anxieties and phobias and speak with a doctor about next steps.
