Bringing home your first baby is a completely different ball game than bringing home a sibling. The worries you have are usually completely different the second time around. The second and third time I wasn’t worried so much about me and how I would handle delivery because I knew what to expect.
I was worried about who would be with the big kids, how long I would be away from them, how they would cope without me, along with so many other details that weren’t about me (or even my newborn).
I was so caught up in the fear about how my eldest would . . .
deal with the change in their everyday life and how having another sibling would affect them for the rest of their lives — enter all the positive and negatives thoughts here.
Would there be pain? Of course — but I’d heal. Would there be sleepless nights — of course, but eventually we’d sleep again. Would there be a crying baby — of course but we’d soon discover what calmed her/him. But what about our big kids? Would there be time to soothe them? Would there be time to read to them? Would there be time to make them feel part of our new family? Would they feel left out, replaced or forgotten? These are the concerns going through mothers’ heads when they’re pregnant with their second, third, fourth babies.
This week’s article is for any such mommas preparing for this new adventure, who’ve recently embarked on this adventure and for those planning or hoping to do so soon.
What to expect of your big kids now that a baby is home?
It’s normal for your big kid to want your attention at the worst time (i.e. when you’re nursing or changing a diaper, or trying to get the baby to sleep). Soon they also know exactly when you are unavailable to discipline them, when you literally don’t have a hand to take that chocolate cookie away from them. Remember they’re used to having you all to themselves. Patience, even when you have absolutely none is really important here, the more they feel pushed away the more they will act out.
It’s normal for a big kid to regress once the baby has arrived. If newly potty-trained, they may start having accidents, wake up more often, resist napping, want to sit in the baby’s seat or want to drink from a bottle. This is normal. It may be because they want the one-on-one attention that goes along with some of these younger behaviours. Remember that they too are adjusting to this huge change in their lives and are trying to navigate how to do this.
Every child is different. Some kids are more flexible and self-contained and may adjust better than children who are more sensitive and thrive on routine. Embrace how your child deals with this change and know things will get easier and the new normal will be wonderful.
Your expectations of your big kid may change, but probably shouldn’t. Remember they are still the same as before the baby was born. Sometimes we automatically place them as the older child, thereby expecting them to help out more, respect sleeping times and occupy themselves. If they weren’t doing this before baby it will take learning and adjusting before they are able to, ie, not the day you get home with baby number two.
How to help your big kid thrive with
the new family member
Give them jobs (even as young as 18 months, they can and want to help). Suggestions: Let them fetch diapers, pull out the wipes, find burping cloths, choose socks, blankets, help turn on the monitor at nap time, squeeze soap onto their legs, help towel off their toes, the list goes on. There’s a lot they can actually help out with and this helps them feel part of all the little things babies need those first few months. Disclaimer: Read your child. If these chores burden them and are forced on them, wait for their cue that they want to help.
Ask your big kids for advice . What colour would baby like to wear today? Which song should we sing to the baby? Should we nestle baby up in the swing or seater?
Read stories about big sister/brother’s new role. Some great titles include, There’s a House Inside My Mommy, I’m a Big Brother/Sister, Zaza’s Baby Brother. This will help prepare big kids for the things that babies can do when they are born and help remind them that it will take a while before they can play with them.
Spend some extra time alone together. Talk about a time in the day when you’re going to be able to do what they want together, they’ll get alone time with you and they can prepare for it. It’s important they don’t feel replaced or that there isn’t enough time for them to have you all to themselves.
Acknowledge their feelings. Instead of scolding your child if they’re upset or frustrated, allow them to talk to you about how they’re feeling. “It seems like you’re frustrated, how can I help?” Help them give their feelings a voice. When they are patient, caring, respectful and helpful with you and baby make sure to praise them. They will enjoy the positive praise and attention. If they get positive connections with you hopefully they won’t look for negative ones.
Plan activities, play dates and outings for the big kids. The second and third babies were so much more portable than my first. I needed to get out. I needed my big kid to play and socialize. It meant being organized for the outing in-advance, but once we were out, life felt normal for her. She got to play, dance, sing, swim (whatever the activity was) and it was all about her. She also tired out and napped afterwards, which we both needed.
The thing that saved me in those first few months was having lots of little activities we could do together while I was nursing or too tired to be active. We did Play-Doh together, read books, did find-its in a magazine, played with magnets, used file folder games and coloured. I kept these activities closeby so that when she wanted to be with me while I nursed we could still do something together.
I sincerely hope some of this helps. The arrival of another baby can be scary, but like everything else you all will adjust super quickly. They’ll be getting into trouble together before you know it. Until next week, take care of yourself and your little ones.
