With so many new babies being born, it has me reminiscing about bringing home baby. Bringing home your first baby is a completely different ball game than bringing home a sibling. The second (third, fourth) time I wasn’t worried so much about me, and how I would handle delivery, I was worried about who would be with the big kids, how long I would have to be away from them, how they would cope without me along with so many other details that weren’t about me. I was so caught up in the fear of how my eldest would deal with the change in their everyday life and how having another sibling would affect them for the rest of their lives – enter all the positive and negatives thoughts here.

Would there be pain? Of course – but I’d heal. Would there be sleepless nights? Of course but eventually we’d sleep again. Would there be a crying baby? Of course but we’d soon discover what calmed her/him.
But what about our big girls? Would there be time to soothe them? Would there be time to read to them? Would there be time to make them feel part of our new family? Would they feel left out/replaced/forgotten?
These are the concerns going through mothers’ heads when they’re pregnant for their second, third or fourth babies. This weeks’ article is for any such momma’s preparing for this new adventure, who have recently embarked on this adventure and for those planning or hoping to do so soon.
What to expect of your big kid now that baby’s home
It’s normal for your big kid to want your attention at the worst time (i.e when you’re nursing or changing a diaper, or trying to get baby to sleep). Soon they also know exactly when you are unavailable to discipline them, when you literally don’t have a hand to take that chocolate cookie away from them. Remember they’re used to having you all to themselves. Patience, even when you have absolutely none is really important here. The more they feel pushed away the more they will act out.
It’s normal for a big kid to regress once baby has arrived. If newly potty trained they may start having accidents, they may wake up more often or resist napping, they may want to sit in baby’s seat or want to drink from a bottle.
This is normal. It may be because they want the one on one attention that goes along with some of these younger behaviours. Remember that they too are adjusting to this huge change in their lives and trying to navigate how to do this.
Every child is different. Some kids who are more flexible and self-contained may adjust easier than children who are more sensitive and thrive on routine. Embrace how your child deals with this change and know things will get better, the new normal will be wonderful.
How to help big kids thrive with the new family member
Give them jobs (even as young as 18 months, they can and want to help). Suggestions: Let them fetch diapers, pull out the wipes, find burping cloths, choose socks, blankets, help turn on the monitor at nap time, squeeze soap onto their legs, help towel off their toes, the list goes on. There’s a lot they can actually help out with, and this helps them feel part of all the little things babies need those first few months.
Ask your big kids advice — what colour would baby like to wear today, which song should we sing baby, should we nestle baby up in the swing or seater?
Read stories about big sister/brother’s new role. Some great titles include: “There’s a house inside my mommy”, “I’m a big brother/sister”, “Zaza’s baby brother”. This will help prepare big kids on the things babies can do when born (not much, haha) and help remind them that it will take a while before they can play with them.
Spend some extra time alone together. Talk about a time in the day when you’re going to be able to do what they want together, they’ll get alone time with you and they can prepare for it. It’s important they don’t feel replaced or that there isn’t enough time for them to have you all to themselves.
Acknowledge their feelings. Instead of scolding your child if they’re upset or frustrated, allow them to talk to you about how they’re feeling. “It seems like you’re frustrated, how can I help?” Help them give their feelings a voice. When they are patient, caring, respectful and helpful with you and baby make sure to praise them. They will enjoy the positive praise and attention. If they get positive connections with you hopefully they won’t look for negative ones.
Plan activities, playdates and outings for the big kids. The second and third babies were so much more portable than my first (well I just made them be). I needed to get out, I needed my big kid to play and socialize. It meant being organized for the outing in advance but once we were out life felt normal for her. She got to play, dance, sing, swim (whatever the activity was) and it was all about her. She also tired out and napped afterwards which we both needed.
The thing that saved me in those first few months was having lots of little activities we could do together while I was nursing or too tired to be active. We did Playdough together, read books, did find its in a magazine, played with magnets, used file folder games and coloured. I kept these activities close by so that when she wanted to be with me while I nursed we could still do something together.
I sincerely hope some of this helps, the arrival of baby number 2 (3, 4, 5 …) can be scary, but like everything else you all will adjust super quickly. They’ll be getting into trouble together before you know it. Until next week, take care of yourself and your little ones.