Whether we are exhausted, embarrassed, frustrated, or simply in a hurry, a toddler, school aged or tweenager’s tantrum can be difficult to deal with.
It helps to remember that a child who is having a tantrum is calling out for something. It is a cry for attention, a need for more sleep, a request for firmer, more consistent limits or a desire for more independence. We need to help them through it by accepting their emotions and modelling the appropriate response, even when it feels like it might kill us.
Here are some tips for dealing with tantrums.
Ways to avoid a tantrum
Whenever possible offer a choice. It could be as simple as asking if they would like the blue cup or the red cup, but in the eyes of a child, it is a way to give them some control and independence.
Make sure all choices you offer are acceptable to you. For example, don’t ask if they would like to play inside or outside, when you know that you need to stay inside until the baby wakes from his nap. In the same vein, avoid open-ended choices, especially ones that aren’t really choices at all. Asking a child if she would like to go to daycare can leave you in a pickle when they say no and you have to leave for work.
Offer reminders and warnings before transitions so that they have time to prepare, five more minutes until it’s time for bed, better yet, have a visual for them to see the time like a sand timer or microwave timer.
Take a look at what possible stressors are in your child’s life. Activities that may seem fun to us such as preschool, music class or hockey are all full of many expectations that the child has to follow. Children need downtime to process everything.
Offer firm and consistent boundaries. Setting limits helps children feel secure. Keep expectations reasonable, clear and respectful. This is important for all age groups. Be consistent. Don’t waver. Our children are brilliant, they know exactly how to get the response they desire and will try us again and again. If they win once, they will try again and again.
How to move through a tantrum
Stay calm and level headed. When we lose our cool everything we say is completely lost and the child feels unsafe and unsettled which usually causes them to repeat the behaviour.
Allow their emotions to run their course. Children need to express anger, frustration, exhaustion or disappointment, especially when they are not getting what they want because we have set a limit. They need to know that they are still safe and loved when they are struggling.
Calmly reflect what they are feeling. “You are really angry that you can’t wear your sandals today,” or “I can see that you are very disappointed.”
Set safe limits on their behaviour, not their emotions. “You can be as angry as you need to be, but I can’t let you hit.”
Assure them that you are there when they decide they are ready for a hug or would like to talk.
Don’t downplay their emotions. Remember, even though the reason behind the tantrum may seem silly their feelings are very real and very serious to them.
Offer them what they want in fantasy. If your child is upset because there are no more cookies, you could tell them how much you wish you could get an oven as big as your house, and bake one million cookies in it that no one else can eat but them.
I’ve entered tween hood. Emotions are high and we tend to be the worst parents ever at least once a day. These tips are all still how I navigate daily tantrums. When I slip up (which happens often) we end up in a screaming match and both of us end up feeling awful. On the days I remember to give her her space and let her run through all the emotions she ends up calming down and usually seeing the other side of the argument. It is never easy though — and one last tip — never laugh during the tantrum that seems to only fuel the fire. I’m hoping this first tween experience will help me navigate the second one entering this age, at least I can hope.
Remember we all have tough moments and tough days. Be kind to yourself and your children and the tantrum shall pass.
